An elderly couple linked with a veterans' care home in Surbiton have spoken out about their experience living with dementia to mark Dementia Action Week (May 17-May23).

Judi Heath has lived with her husband Alan for 60 years, and when he developed dementia she worked tirelessly to care for him. 

However, at the age of 79, Judi came to the difficult conclusion that she was no longer capable for looking after Alan and his needs in the best possible way. 

In February last year Alan, who served with the British Army as part of his National Service, began attending one of Royal Star and Garter (RSG) veterans' homes, who specialise in caring for elderly and infirm people suffering from dementia. 

"Alan loved the days there and because of the military connection he would call it the Headquarters," Judi said.

"When he was getting picked up he’d say to me ‘I’m off to HQ!’ That for me was absolutely marvellous. He enjoyed going." 

The daycare option meanwhile alleviated much of the strain and pressures Judi was shouldering in looking after her long-time partner. 

"It was absolutely amazing, suddenly I had time to myself. I could go shopping, see friends, play golf.

"We had a carer in the mornings but I couldn’t be more than 10 minutes away. I was on call all the time, so having those few hours was amazing," she said. 

However, in a matter of days after Alan began attending the home, the full force of the Covid-19 pandemic hit the UK. 

It brought restrictive counter-measures and heart-breaking decisions for Judi, who was forced to try and care for Alan again with the pair at first both confined to their home during the first lockdown even as his health deteriorated. 

"I was struggling to care for Alan on my own. I was finding it hard and I was heading for a nervous breakdown.

"It was particularly difficult looking after him at night. I was getting more tired and upset. My sons could see I couldn’t cope," Judi said. 

Thankfully, one of RSG's homes in High Wycombe were able to offer Alan a permanent home. 

Judi was forced to make the difficult but ultimtely important decision to help Alan move into the home where he could be cared for in the best possible way. 

The 79-year-old described the difficulties in being apart from her husband of 60 years and the necessities of doing so to help him live with his dementia. 

Surrey Comet: Alan and Judi Heath on their wedding day. Image: RSGAlan and Judi Heath on their wedding day. Image: RSG

"I was in a situation where I didn’t want him to go, even though I knew he had to because I couldn’t keep going.

"Even though I knew it was the right thing for both of us, it was very raw for me. We’ve been together a long time and suddenly I wasn’t caring for him… that was really hard.

"So the night before he went I wrote a letter and put it in his suitcase. It was for the staff, and I hoped they’d find it when putting away Alan’s clothes. I wrote that Alan was the love of my life, and to please look after him. And they have." 

She added that, since then, she is now able to visit Alan while observing Covid safety measures and praised RSG for the care they provide him. 

"I miss Alan and I do shed tears, but those tears are for my loss. Alan is in a lovely Home being cared for by the most wonderful people. They are superb." 

RSG are supporting the Alzheimer Society’s ‘Cure the care system’ campaign, which is calling on the government to provide quality social care, that is free and easy to access, no matter where you live. 

Click here for more info. on the campaign or here to learn more about RSG.